Debunking the Myth

We find a comic like this funny, if you did, because it's just so darn stereotypical.

Lately there seems to be a lot of conversation about singleness, both mine and just in general. I have to confess that, at the risk of sounding bitter, I'm pretty tired of the stereotypes. I'm coming to realize that there's a lot of misunderstanding about what it means and what it looks like to be single, to be older and single more specifically, especially in the church. So I'm going to tell some things that I'm learning. I'm going to talk about "me" but for the most part, I suspect, I can safely speak for many of my fellow "singles."

First of all, let me talk about the 'old maid' thing. Sure, in church circles we tend to see couples getting married young, around 20 or 21 (it's funny how the older I get, the younger that sounds!) but the reality is that the national average is much higher. Here's some recent stats I found. In 2003, in Canada (excluding Ontario), the average age of persons marrying for the first time (to someone of the opposite sex) was 30.6 years for men and 28.5 years for women.
In 2002, in Canada (excluding Ontario), it was 30.4 years for men and 28.3 years for women.
The data for Canada (including Ontario) from 1973 to 2002 indicate that the average age at first marriage of newlyweds, who married someone of the opposite sex, gradually rose among men and women. In 1973, the average age at which men (25.2 years) and women (22.8 years) married for the first time was about five years lower than in 2003. This gradual rise in the average age at first marriage is largely due to couples cohabiting and delaying marriage. We're just talking about averages. I'm not that old. I'm under the average.

Last week the Calgary Herald wrote an article titled "Single and Happy." The basic premise was that, surprisingly enough, not all single people are sad, lonely, desperate, depressed people. It's true!!! I will never for one minute deny that I have times where I'm lonely or I wish that there was someone to share my life with. I can't say that I've never spent an evening with some of my married friends and gone home wishing that I had what they have. I can't say that I'm never frustrated with singleness in general, particularly the lack of other single people around me. This is where I point out that I recognize that I don't have to be ashamed for those moments where I do long for that kind of relationship. I don't. I'm not. Genesis talks about how God saw man - Adam - alone and said it wasn't good. He creates Eve from his side to be a helpmate, a partner or a companion to Adam. And then it was good. I've been blessed to see that lived out. My mom and dad along with many of their friends have been an amazing model of that in the midst of a world that doesn't do it all so well. My grandparents have blessed me with an image that makes me desire to have what they have instead of running away screaming. It is good. All of that said, I've learned, and it's been a process, that I live in today. That I don't have to be happy with being single forever - I don't have to look that far ahead - but I can trust that God knows what I desire and what I need and I can make the choice to be content for today. I've realized too, that sometimes I will deal with loneliness. It's because we're wired for community.

Here's a myth I need to address because I'm a little tired of smiling and nodding while reminding myself of the individuals good intentions every time it comes up. Ever heard this one: "When you're right with God, he'll provide for you." You know what? I believe in God's timing and I'm trusting in it. I believe that God is able to provide. I believe that my relationship with Him is the most important relationship I'll ever have and that it's critical for me to have it right. BUT to imply that I'm single because my relationship with God isn't right isn't right, fair, kind or loving and if it's meant to be encouraging, let me tell you, it isn't. Okay, so I might be bitter about that one. I'll work on my attitude about that.

While we often recognize that it's God bringing two people together, I think we have a hard time balancing that with doing our part. What I mean is, no one's going to find you if you're hiding in your room. I understand that. Most of us do. We can't just be waiting for someone to sweep us off our feet. So I get out. I do the things I love to do and represent the things I value and I do them with a variety of people. On the other hand, you don't just go out and "find someone." It's just not that easy. There are some people who have the fairy tale, love at first sight, met their true love story. Some of them were young when it happened. For others that's not the case, at least not yet.

I was hanging out with my 14 year old cousin not that long ago. At one point, she looked at me and said, "you'd be a great mom. you should have kids." I appreciate that. I would love to have kids and I really do desire, when that happens, to be a good mom to those God should bless me with. That people see that in me now is affirming. What followed next was a little more difficult: "why don't you?" At that moment I stumbled over how to explain it all. "Well, um, to be a mom, I'd need to have someone to be the dad." Even at the most physical level that's true, right? She looks up at me and innocently says, "well, then what are you waiting for?" Oh dear cousin, if only it were that easy. She's not the only one to have that sort of conversation with me. Is it fair to say that I live today conscious of where I am AND of where I hope to be? That I live in an awareness of who and what is going on around me but that I also cannot force the issue? That I recognize that there IS a balance between the work of God and the work of man (yes, pun intended)?

I do not need to be pitied. Please don't feel sorry for me. Just treat me as a friend and I'm okay. Being single isn't a curse. The only time that I feel like I'm somehow complete or insignificant compared to my married peers is when that is put on me, when someone "tells" me that I should be. It's not all that odd either...to be single, I mean. I read this morning that 44% of adults in Canada are single as of the most recent census. I am not alone...in my aloneness...interesting, isn't it? There are many types of intimacy and care. As a single woman, I need good friends around. All I'm saying is love me, don't feel sorry for me. There's a fine line between pity and care...please care.

To go along with that one, can I ask that if you're thinking of match making for me or any other single people you know, consider the individuals involved. Here's another myth: that if someone is older and single (read over 25), then their standards must be too high. While that may be a factor, I'm not willing to swing the pendulum so far as to simply look for someone male, single and breathing. Do you see where I'm going with this? Just because two people are single, doesn't make them a match made in heaven. Maybe. Not necessarily. Consider the individuals. Values. Interests. Character. Things like that. That's all I'm saying. Single people are exactly that, people. If you're married, consider the things you were looking for in a spouse and check your matchmaking requirements with that in mind. If you're single and looking out for a friend, consider what you would like. Most of all, consider what you know of your friend.

There are people I would trust to "help" me find someone. They are the people that know who to look for and how to go about it in a way that's edifying to me...and that "special someone." They see my strengths that will be enhanced by a partner and know my weaknesses that will be balanced. They get it. And I trust them.

I came into contact with a couple that I know. We haven't spoke in almost a year. Before even asking me how I was doing, they announced that while they knew it was awkward, they wanted to have me over for dinner because they have a whole lineup of guys for me to meet. Yes. That is awkward. Now, I don't mean to sound completely ungrateful because I know that in their own way, they were doing what they thought was a good thing. I just would have preferred that they ask me how I am...that I could trust that they knew me well enough to find someone for me...that I felt that they would want to spend time with me because of me and not because I was a project.

That's not the only story like that have.

On the other hand, I have a couple of friends that rarely speak of me being single. We hang out all the time and I don't feel like a third wheel. They occasionally joke about someone they think would be great for me but they don't really "match make." Funny thing is, I know that if they should ever bring someone around for me to meet, it would be well though out and done with care and tact. It makes all the difference.

Like I said, I don't mean to sound ungrateful. Often it's with some rant about how great I am and how sad it is that I'm single or how some guy is missing out because he's not with me or how all the guys around must be stupid to not have snagged me up earlier or......I know they meant to encourage and to build me up, especially because, for the most part, they've got a great marriage and want the same for me, but somehow it only makes me feel like I've got a third eye or am missing a body part or something. I'm not a failure because I'm single. Yes, I know that I'm pretty terrific and that some guy is missing out...but if he's good enough for me than I'm missing out too...but then God knows all of that so really, no one is missing out! Funny how that all works, huh?

Moreover, and this is the most important of all for me, I choose to not be defined by my single status. I think that all of us are defined by much more than whether we're married or single. That is a factor but not the whole picture.

So how do I want to be defined?

By my Kingdom heritage...I'm a child of the King.

By my character.

By how I show Jesus.

By how I love.

By how I listen.

By joy and contentedness in the midst of the mess.

By my desire to learn and grow.

By my love for activity and people and reading and life.

By my smile, even if I don't always like my teeth.

By my ability to just hang out with the little people - I mean the children - in my life.

By how I love my family and friends.

By how I contribute to the kingdom.

One of the most kind things said to me recently was from a good friend of mine. She told me that her and her husband don't see me as "Stacey our single friend" but as "Stacey our friend." That's important to me. That's how I want to be defined.

This is a journey for me and, as long as I'm single, it will be a journey for me. I know that I have single brothers and sisters in different places in the journey and my prayer is that as I learn and grow in confidence in who God has made me, I pray that I can be an example to them. For any single friends reading this, please know that you do not have to be defined by your singleness either. You don't have to be depressed, lonely, desperate or "on a hunt"...at least not as a state of being. If there's seasons of those emotions, it's okay and it's natural. Just don't live there. You're worth more than that. Know you're not alone even when it feels that way. You are not less. You are not insignificant. You are not odd. It's not your fault. You can contribute in very valuable ways. God will use you and he certainly has not forgotten about you.