Finding truth on the hardcourt

Either I've become keenly aware of the teachable moments in the everyday or have simply become overly introspective. Either way, I'm finding God has much to say when we're willing to listen.

I play volleyball on Tuesday nights on a competitive community league team. We're a pretty good team in fact tonight we walked into the gym holding first onto first place in the league.

We play two teams every week. Our first game tonight was pretty good. We played together. We picked up some junk. It was a pretty good match all the way around and, with a win, we snagged two more points.

It was the second game that brought my little lesson for the day. We were up against a team that we just can't seem to beat. Honestly, we've been playing them for years and everytime we play them, we lose. The thing is, I don't think that they're that much better than we are or that difficult to beat. We can see their weak points and, because of that, we should, in theory, know how to beat them. We can do what we need to to get it done. The thing is, we don't.

Tonight I paid a little bit more attention. That's what I do. I analyze things. I could tell that everyone knew that they were one of the teams we were up against. Some of our team came in differently, like they were beaten already. When our first game was over and we switched courts, I watched as the whole demeanor of our team changed. The talk was on the bench right away, "not these guys" and "I hate playing this team."

We let them get up on us right off the start. We didn't block. We tipped balls. We missed serves and passes. All the things we should do, we didn't. Some of our players started to grumble and get angry. Others tried to encourage and motivate in more positive ways but it didn't help. It seemed like we assumed other players were going to make mistakes before it even happened and we definitly didn't work together.

And we lost.

"I hate playing this team" was the comment on the bench following the game, as if that explained everything. My response, which I kept to myself, was "I hate the way we play against this team."

Call it self fulfilling prophecy. Call it negative self talk. Call it living under the influence of a lie. Whatever it is, it does not help. We were defeated before we even stepped on the court.

I'm realizing how much this is something I struggle with in my day to day life. All too often I stagger under the weight of the lies put on me.

And I lose.

It's funny, it's like I'm living in a cartoon with the angel on one shoulder and the little red devil "me" on the other. The good one is reminding me that I'm confident and competent and is frustrated by feeling limited by the context I've got myself into. That's the side the reminds me that I'm here to change the world. That I'm passionate and have a purpose. That pointed in the right direction, I can accomplish more than I've ever thought possible. That I'm faithful. That I can dream big and that, perhaps, God has put those dreams there. That I’m thankful for the freedom I'm finding each day when I believe the truth about myself as a beloved daughter of the King.

The other me is whispering all sorts of evil lies. I'm too young. I'm female. I'm single. I'm not educated enough. I'm just plain inadequate. I'm tired. I'm too emotional. I'm not trusted or respected. I just can't. It points out all my failures and shows me all the ways that I'm letting people down. I'm just a college recruiter. I only have a Bible college degree. I'm just a farm girl. I'm not articulate enough. I'm not smart enough. I'm not in good enough shape. I'm not as talented as (fill in the blank with someone else's name). In my head I know these statements are false and yet far too often I let them get the best of me.

Its like my achillies heal. It's the struggle between those two "me's" that's slowing me down. It hinders me and keeps me from reaching my full potential. It keeps me from bringing the best of me to my community. Each day I choose to believe the lies is another day that I spin my wheels and am kept from moving forward.

And I lose.

Tonight I was able to see so many parallels between the way my volleyball team played against a team we feel we can't win and the way I live when I believe the lies.

In either case, no one wins.