Current Read

 I've been cruising through books lately. Stories. Mindless fiction for young and old. Okay, not all mindless. The Templar Legacy has quite a bit of history and theology woven through it, enough to keep my mind sorting fact from fiction and putting long forgotten learning into action.

The Templar Legacy, Steve Berry












Graceling, Kristin Cashore 











Hunger Games, Suzanne Collins 
I picked up this one because the girls are reading it and because the movie is coming out and they want to see it. If it weren't for that, I likely would have put it down after the first chapter and, admittedly, I've relished in sharing something like this with the girls. But I digress. Back to the book. The concept itself - children killing children for sport, coliseum style - just didn't, no, doesn't sit right with me. Scary stuff. I read each page bracing for the horror of that to erupt. But it didn't. Not really. See, it's not gory and they did such a good job of telling the story and creating the characters that one almost becomes desensitized to the actual concept behind it all. Maybe that's what does it. I wonder if that's how it was in the coliseum. Create enough of an air of celebration, fun and frenzy around it that the observer forgets what's really going on. It becomes sport. The stuff of fiction. Entertainment. And so this is what I'm thinking about thanks to a kids' book. That and reading the next book. It's sitting on my shelf waiting for me to finish the next one.

Say cheese!

One of my favorite things to do is playing with my camera, catching the world around me through my lens. I don't always take the time to do it the way I should but this past week, I took the chance to play...and enjoy...and so I thought I would share some of the things that make me happy! 

Have you ever had one of those days that just sort of sucks the life out of you? Piles of little things bringing you down and leaving you discouraged and disparaged and, well, empty? Perhaps, on those days, you want nothing more than to fall into bed, pull the covers over your head and sleep away the numbness?

That's a little how today feels but, friends, it's almost over and tomorrow is a new day. A better day. A fresh start.

I thank God for new days.

oops

Source: iwastesomuchtime.com via Bonnie on Pinterest

In Response

Most people that know me, know that for years, the place of women in the church and the theology behind it has been close to my heart. Recently, John Piper, a respected teacher, speaking to a group of pastors, described what he believes as God's intention for Christianity to have a "masculine feel." Admittedly, this smacks in the face of so much of what I believe about God, gender roles, and the church. It seems I'm not alone. Bloggers from all over have added their two cents worth into the conversation. One of the ones that I have found most interesting is by a lady named Rachel Held Evans. She asked her male readers to share their opinion. Read what they shared here.

Practicing truth and the love of a good man

It has been 3 months and 27 days since I married my love and, while the two blonde princesses that call him "Daddy" have been in my life for years up to that point, something changed that day. In addition to becoming "wife," I became "step-mom" even though that term has rarely, if ever, been spoken in our home. After 3 months and 27 days, what could I possibly have to share about mothering, about step-mothering, in fact? So many more have gone before me, learned more, shared more, been more and yet here I am trying to put my thoughts and musings into something in black and white.

Here's what I know. Step-mothering is an art.

Most days, I don't feel like an artist.

Most days I feel anything but. Every bit of selfishness, fear, insecurity, and impatience is brought into the open, laid, I fear, for all the world to see. I am ever conscious of the fact that I am not *yet* (I hope) the woman described in Proverbs 31, that godly wife who moves with grace, compassion and a shrewd ability to care for her family.

I knew that this journey would be hard and would take a ton of adjustment. I knew there would be growing pains and heartache. I just didn't know how much. I hadn't expected the loneliness and the lack of control. I didn't know how much I would be surrendering my schedule, my home, my bank account, my time with my husband, my hopes and dreams and my heart to this role. 

Never before have I been aware of such anger, spite and resentment in my heart. I long to protect these girls, my family, from the one who should be protecting them in all things and from all things...and yet that is not my place.

I have come to believe that the term "step-mom" is more apt than I once thought as so often it feels as though I am only taking a half step into motherhood. I share the responsibility for their well being, for their happiness, for their growth and for their hearts. I share the sacrifice. I share the early mornings and the chauffeuring and the school band productions and the dance competitions and the fights that erupt between sisters in a way that only sisters can accomplish. I share the desire to see them to flourish and to grow to be women after God's own heart. They have my heart. But I am not their mother. Some days, my most insecure days,  I wonder if I am anything more than the woman their daddy married.  The big decisions - the ones that matter - those are made between mother and father. It is in these moments that I feel like a participant from a distance, if a participant at all. The deep knowledge of the innerworkings of these girls is not mine - the memories, the stories, the likes and dislikes, the friendships, and the background behind it all. The deepest and most tender of moments - from heart ache to celebration - are not moments that I share and it's in those moments that I feel on the outside of something special, a bond more powerful than anything else. There will be no mother's day or parent teacher interviews or holidays without struggle and argument. And so I'm "step-mom, " stepping into their lives and hoping to share a part of me with part of them.

And so here I am, limping along, feeling a lot more like a toddler with a crayon scrawling on the walls than the artist I hope to one day be, beginning to put practices in place to save my sanity and my heart so that I can spend more days offering something of value to my family, creating home together, living together well. Two practices that I hope and pray will make the difference.

I practice loving my husband well.

A friend of mine shared a photo of a button recently. The bright orange button was a beacon sharing this "Parenting is a hard. It's a good thing my co-worker is cute." And it's true. He is. We have heard so many sermons and read the books that talk about God's vision for marriage being of two people coming together as one, about making your spouse the priority, and about constantly coming back to the heart of the other and you know what? It's true. It makes a difference. Funny how scriptural truths do that, huh!? And so we work to love each other well. We spend time together. We talk. We cry. I meet him with a kiss and take time to rub that spot on the back of his neck because I am learning that my touch assures his heart that I am with him. We watch hockey and share quiet over a glass of wine. Sometimes it's just nice to be quiet. I tell him that I'm proud of him because I mean it, from the depth of my heart I mean it. He calls in the middle of a busy day and I know it's because he knows that my language is time and that connection means the world to me. We share about work and home and family. And, because this adventure isn't always easy, we have to find ways to laugh. And laugh we do because, you know what My Love? You are fun and hilarious and one of the reasons I love you is because you laugh with me...and sometimes at me. We spend time doing things the other enjoys for the sake of the other. We date even when life is busy...sometimes especially when it's so. I try to remember to say "thank you" everyday for this man I know is a gift.

We do this because when we are good, they will be good and we will be good for them.

I practice truth.

My love and I truly believe, even when I am in this place, that His Word is truth and want our home to be filled with the sweet fragrance of the Spirit. It is undeniable that some days the smell is stronger and sweeter than others but hopefully, hopefully, the aroma remains, hints of it on the air, even on our worst days. And so we aim to live that truth. Not simply in actions for the world to see but deep in our hearts, spilling out into all of how we live.

And we believe that all truth is God's truth so, in my heart, I daily work to remind myself of truth. My list goes something like this:

*I am not perfect. I don't have to be perfect. I will mess up. Oh, is this hard for this perfectionist soul and yet so freeing and so life giving.
* We are all adjusting. Me. Him. Them. All of us. It will take time and that's okay.
* My job description is to love. The rest of the details can be figured out. 
* This is not a situation that the girls' chose. Even believing with all that is in me that this is God's good redemptive work of a crappy situation doesn't make the crappy situation less, well, crappy (yes, I just used crappy three times. I know).
* No matter how much I stand in direct opposition with the values, choices and decisions of their "mommy", she is still their "mommy" and they deserve to be free to love her. Every girl needs their mommy. Part of me being in their lives is to help them have healthy relationships even in difficult situations.
* Just because she's their mommy doesn't make her right. I can disagree. Sometimes my disagreement needs to stay on the inside and sometimes it needs to be spoken...without making it "about" mommy but rather about truth and living well and having opinions that are different.
* They are children. They will react to situations like children. The picky eating, the sudden outbursts, the seemingly unending stories about "mommy," the challenges around bedtime and homework and chores and packing lunches, the complaining about well, whatever, are because they're kids and need guidance. They are not personal. They are not about me. There is no attack or ill will intended.
* I have the freedom - no, the privilege - of participating in teaching them and guiding them while they are in our home, addressing situations as they come up with grace and love and partnering with My Heart as we grow with them. Sometimes there are things that he will need to handle as their daddy. This is important and good.
* I only have control - or a semblance of such - of what happens in my home. I can not control what happens the other days of their week BUT I can influence them and help give them the tools to react well and discern wisely.
* There are good times, golden moments, that I have to hold onto. There are inside stories, moments of laughter and acceptance, and things unique to our home and our family that we can all cherish.
* My feelings and emotions are not wrong or bad or shameful. As much as I often do, I don't need to feel guilt for finding aspects of this new "hat" difficult.
* As much as it sometimes feels lonely, I am not alone. My Love and I are in this together and I trust him with all that I am. I can trust him enough to share the truth with him when I hurt. I can trust him enough to ask questions. I can trust him enough to include me in the moments of joy. I can trust him enough to protect all three of his girls. I can trust him to live truth too.

Conversation between My Love and I has often centered around truth. Speaking truth, in love, when it's hard. Knowing when to speak truth into lies. How God is truth and shines through the darkness. He reminds me often that Truth wins. Even when I feel like I'm tripping and stumbling, even when it seems like lies abound and the enemy is digging his claws in deep, even when I'm lonely and want to allow myself a good cry, I can know that truth wins. Perhaps only in bits and pieces now but victory, oh, sweet victory, will come and will come on the side of truth.

And so today, I know that step-mothering is an art. Instead of hating that I feel like toddler, today I'm going to try to remember, with all the grace that I can muster, that not even the world's most renowned artists painted their masterpieces on the first day.

Current Read

I couldn't do it. I posted a while ago about a book I was going to read, a book that was good for me and different from what I had been reading. I knew it would be a challenge and that I might need a little help. As it turns out, I needed a lot of help and, well, ended up distracted, reading these instead. And yes, they are worth the hype! I'll get back to that other "good for me" one eventually.

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, The Girl Who Played with Fire, and the Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest, Stieg Larsson

It seems like no matter how early the day starts, no matter how frustrating the situations we find ourselves, no matter how much we chauffeur or cook or clean, no matter how many loads of laundry await or how much homework there is, it seems that the end of the day brings rest. Together we laugh, we catch up, we tell our stories, we cry, we hope, we connect. It's in those moments, at the end of the day, that I can say "I am my beloved's and he is mine" and it is good.

Top Ten Health Reasons to Drink Coffee

Here is an article on the top ten health reasons to drink coffee. Love it. Who cares about the heavenly taste?! Now it's healthy too? Well, we knew that before but here's another dose of proof supporting my case. Haven't had a cup all week thanks to work scheduling but just might go brew a pot (of decaf) right now!

I sent this little note out to a few friends and family earlier today and, after some consideration, thought I'd toss it up here too.

Hey friends,

Over the past several years, I have been thankful for my position at 
the pool. It's been a flexible way to supplement my position at 
Journey. I have been thankful that it has been a bit of a safety net, 
providing an income, over the last several months of transition. It is 
becoming apparent, with the instability of the scheduling at the pool 
and the effects of budget cuts across the city, that it is very likely 
not a long term solution for our family. Unless something changes with 
the city, for stability and sanity, it seems like it would be a good 
time for me to start poking around for a new job.

That's why I'm dropping you this little note. The truth is, I have no 
idea where to look. I'm not sure what i want to do or what's out 
there. But two heads are better than one, right? If you hear of 
anything that you think would be a good fit for me, feel free to let 
me know and, in the meantime, your prayers would be appreciated!

Thanks,

Stacey

I really don't know what I'm looking for. Hopefully by putting a couple heads together, some idea somewhere will start a little brainstorm for me or present the right opportunity and I'll be off!!

It's true...and a little frightening. I see it in the way that I approach the world - very different from the way it was 10 years ago - but, even more dramatic, is the way I see it in the way Colin's girls, my step-daughters, approach the world. They are plugged in kids who hang out with plugged in kids.

In some ways, the use of technology has made so much of what we do easier. Information is more accessible, world wide communication is easier (isn't skype a beautiful thing!?), entertainment is everywhere and we can do things online we never imagined.

From my perspective, though, there are things that are lost. The art of conversation, for example. Family time seems harder to find. Who remembers car rides where you had conversations, listened to music (together) and played silly car games to pass the time? Now there's dvd players, ipods, etc. Patience seems at an all time low. So much is at their fingertips...and ours...and it seems we expect so much more to be immediate. The internet is fast so why shouldn't everything else?

Expectations are different too. Before texting, there was email. Before email there were answering machines. Before answering machines, there were busy signals. We waited. Now, no matter where we are or who we're with, it seems, we jump and make the buzz of the phone a priority. If, heaven forbid, you are one of the few that will let their phone sit, the chance is good that the person on the other end make all sorts of assumptions. You are mad them. There's something wrong. As an employer, perhaps their frustration boils...even on the weekend. We are expected to be accessible all the time but at what cost. And what about the school system? When I was in school (and yes, I recognize that was a long time ago), we did not need ipods, laptops, and internet access everywhere to make our education happen. I recognize that times are changing and I recognize that some of these tools can make learning easier. I see the advantages but, again, at what cost socially, educationally and financially? Then there's the pressure and expectation to "have" these things. Ipods, ipads, phones for everyone in the house (what age is the right age for a cell phone, by the way?), multiple tvs, pvrs (which I admit, I'm addicted to) and computers. 

As I'm trying to figure out what it means to live well and to help raise two girls to live well, there's a lot of questions in my mind where the use of technology is concerned. I know, too, that there are many different opinions to the whole discussion out there. How do we figure out how to utilize the strengths of technology without letting it control us?

As I was puttering through the house, cleaning up the piles that seem to spontaneously multiply on their own (there's a biology term for this, I'm sure, although I suspect it refers to germs or micro organisms), I found a stack of cards from our wedding. Well wishes. Prayers. Poems. Hopes. Each one specially picked for us as people joined in our celebration. As I read each one, I was reminded that relationships truly do happen in community!

Here's a few to share...

Now you will feel no rain, 

for each of you will be the shelter for each other. 

Now you will feel no cold, 

for each of you will be the warmth to the other. 

Now you are two persons

but there is only one life before you. 

Go now to your dwelling, 

to enter into

the days of your life

and may your days be good and long

upon the earth.

~Apache Blessing~

How to Make a Beautiful Life Together: Reflections on Marriage for the Bride and Groom

Let love be your shelter.

The world is noisy and confusing at times,

so make a home that is a haven,

a peaceful place where you can listen to your hearts and savor

the comfortable closeness you share. 

No matter how busy your days may be,

make time for yourselves. 

Hold hands. Unwind. 

Surprise each other. 

Find little chances every day

to show you're grateful to be partners,

to be friends,

to be married. 

Life is not perfect. 

You will make mistakes but  each time you meet life's challenges together,

you will grow wiser, stronger, 

and surer of your love. 

Cherish your yesterdays. 

They are irreplaceable souvenirs

of your journey through life. 

Make memories

that will bring smiles and sighs whenever you look back. 

(Look back often!)

Look forward, too. 

Dream together. Plan together. 

Make promises to keep. 

Believe in your tomorrows,

because tomorrows 

are what forever is made of. 

To make love last,

put each other first.

That is the way to make a beautiful life together, 

the kind of life you both deserve so much. 

"If" for Couples

If you 

treat each other kindly

with compassion 

and with trust

and always let

your tender feelings show,

If you

laugh together often 

and enjoy

the time you share,

but give each other space

to learn and grow,

If you understand

your differences,

respecting who you are,

and put each other first in all you do...

Together, 

may you always find the very best in life - 

Growing closer

day by day

as husband and wife. 

A friend of mine posted this on her facebook page and I loved it...so I'm stealing it!

"Nobody ever died of discomfort, yet living in the name of comfort has killed more ideas, more opportunities, more actions, and more growth than everything else combined. Comfort kills!"
- T. Harv Eker

What do you want to be when you grow up?

One of the funniest conversations I’ve had at the pool was with a little boy in one of my coworkers’ Saturday morning preschool classes. I was life guarding and he was teaching. The morning sessions are long and he had to take a quick bathroom break, leaving me to watch his class for a few minutes. Five little ones, 3 and 4 years old. One of the little boys looked up at me and, with no guile or jest, looked up at me and asked me if I knew what he wanted to be when he grew up. Expecting him to say that he wanted to be a fireman or a teacher or even an astronaut, I looked at him and said, “No, I don’t know. What do you want to be when you grow up?” His answer caught me off guard.

“An airplane.”

“An airplane? You mean you want to fly airplanes?”

“No. I want to be an airplane.”

I didn’t know what to say. What would you say to that!?

It might not be the most realistic or possible goal but he’s dreaming big. I wonder if, when he’s settled into a career, he’ll remember his dream – to be an airplane.

I think of all the ways that I answered that questions along the way. I wanted to be a musician for a while. And there was a LONG stage in which I wanted to be a teacher. I would line my dolls up and teach them for hours. We would have all sorts of classes. Later on in life, I thought a lot about working in agricultural aid, combining my love for science, the outdoors and God in practical missions. Never once did I dream about being involved in enrollment, marketing and admissions (my job at the college) or in children’s ministry (my position at Journey Church). Both roles, however, began with a certain excitement. They made sense with my skill set...and in the right context, likely still would. They engaged me deeper into community I was already involved in. They allowed me to build my skills, grow in my knowledge of myself, develop relationships and be challenged. Each however, developed in such a way that my self esteem and confidence were beaten, my belief in my own abilities was shattered and I was left exhausted. How something that started so good could develop into something so damaging not once but twice is hard to say. It’s possible that much of the fault lies in the fact that when I dive into something, I dive in with both feet and all of myself, feeling some innate drive to succeed and prove myself in all things. I am a perfectionist and it drives me – sometimes the biggest strengths can also be the greatest of faults. In discussing this with a friend of mine, she suggested that it’s because I care too much. Everything I pursue, I not only pursue as a task but also a matter of the heart.

Regardless, the end result is the place I find myself in now. I’m working as a life guard and swim instructor. The hourly pay is good but the hours are all over the map and inconsistent at best - the financial implications of that aren't good. The work is less than challenging (one of the patrons told me a while back that he thinks I’m too smart to be a life guard. Not the best commentary on my position). It’s not particularly encouraging or satisfying. The facility that I work at is not one that is healthy. The truth is, I'm bored. This certainly isn’t the job I dreamed of as a child but I try to regularly remind myself that this job has provided me with a sort of “safety net.” I am thankful that God had me in this place so when it was time to leave Journey, I could, knowing that I had an income.

That's the "job" place I find myself in now but the place for my deeper self is one of questioning, doubt and living with a need for change. I'm feeling restless and stuck all at the same time. Now the question “what do I want to be when I grow up?” is one that I ask myself on a regular basis.

I realize there’s two ways that I can go about next steps. The first would be to find a more consistent job that would be a job for “right now.” In a similar situation several years ago, a friend of mine took a job that allowed him to succeed, be built up and encouraged and heal. Now that his confidence has been restored, he has moved into a new job, one that has a world of potential for him and his family but he might not have looked at before. He needed that time to be restored. Colin and I have talked about me potentially needing that place to be restored. The second would be to figure out what’s next and go full speed ahead.

What do I want to be when I grow up?

I’ve been cataloging my strengths and interests (with Colin’s help…the truth is, right now he sees much more good in me than I do). The question remains, what do I do with those skills.

On more than one occasion, it has been suggested that I should pursue my photography. To this point, it has simply been a hobby…but maybe…There’s so much I would have to do, in my mind, to make that a reality but maybe…What would it take? Where would I start? Would I be any good? What would separate me from all the other people out there trying to make a go of it? What if?

The truth is that I’m afraid. Like someone coming out of a [few] bad relationships, I’m afraid to put myself out there and step into something new. The motivation to hunt for a new job is slim to none. Truthfully, I would rather curl up on the couch and do nothing and yet that only makes me feel worse. I want to contribute to my family and to society. I want to spend my working hours at something I enjoy and can feel some satisfaction in. I want to feel like I’m in a position that I have something to offer, perhaps something that someone else couldn’t.

I get it too, that my job is not the fullness of who I am. The whole "is not what you do but who you are that defines you." I get it. I also get that there's something about our job that is a part of who we are, for some of us more than others. I'm one of those people that actually enjoys work when it's a good fit.

What do I want to be when I grow up? 

I’m thankful. As I process all of this, Colin is incredibly supportive and patient. He gets that I feel a little bit ‘stuck’ and is willing to give me a gentle nudge from time to time. And he processes and prays with me…what do I want to be when I grow up?

So I think this is brilliant! I have one stocking hook and have been looking for three to match. Not only is finding a match difficult BUT they're not cheap. This is a perfect solution and I have the perfect place for it! Now to go bargain hunting post-Christmas for a second hook and we'll be all set in the Miller house!

Source: Uploaded by user via Dayna on Pinterest

The Evolution of the Gingerbreadman

Tee hee

This morning I'm off work. Convenient day off since Christmas is only days away and there seems to be a lot to do. I'm making my lists and checking them twice this morning. Usually I'm done the "stuff" of Christmas and living in the season by this point but somehow, for some reason, this Christmas I just can't seem to get there.


So, in the middle of the lists and the piles and the tasks, I'm stopping to take a minute to remember and be thankful for the truth of Christmas. Join me?