If you've been following along, October and November saw me travelling our beautiful country with the CCUFairs. It was so good for me - great people to travel with while doing a job I enjoyed. Not bad. I knew while I was away that it was in many ways a break for me, a chance for healing, growth and learning about myself, but I didn't know just how much that was in order until I came back.
Then there was the week in Halifax with Sean and Cheryl. Seriously a highlight of 2007. We were NOT the typical tourists and walked miles every day. We truly felt like we'd experienced Halifax by the time we came home.
I took a week or so of "rest" once I got home. Such an incredible blessing to have the freedom to do that. Sadly, though, it didn't last long enough and the bank account began to put on the pressure. Right now, I've got a few things on the go. I spent some time working for a photographer I know, taking portraits like crazy and experiencing some pretty upscale Christmas parties. It was a lot of fun...you know those days where you know you're working but it doesn't feel like work? That's what it was like. I talked a lot. I took a lot of pictures. Anyone who knows me, knows that's a pretty good gig for me! I also started on my recert for my WSI (water safety instructor). The rest of it is lined up for next week with some pretty good possibilities for work following that up. In the meantime, I've been temping for an agency here in town and, as much as I don't really enjoy the work itself - the joke with a few of my friends is that I'm typically so bored I'm spinning my chair - they've been very happy with me and are working hard to make sure I have as close to full time hours as they can. The bills are paid, I leave work at the end of each day and leave work there, and people think I'm a genius...and that's a good day!
That's the "what am I doing now" summary but I can't help but feel that the much more significant side of transition for me, as it usually is, I suppose, has been the learning, growing, shaping and reflecting that's been going on.
More than anything, I'm learning about trust and about the faithfulness of God. I'm learning that it really is an all or nothing thing with God...I can't say that I trust him unless I really am willing to surrender everything, absolutely everything, to Him. For me that's hard - even though I know that He is much better at being in control than I am. I've had to surrender my future in a whole new way as I feel like I'm learning to dream about the possibilities of it all over. Not knowing how much work (or how much pay!) I'll have each week has stretched my faith in God as a provider...and He's continually proven worthy. It's crazy but in December, my pay, between temping and shooting photos was almost exactly what my "needs" were...almost to the dollar! God knows what I need. The struggle is knowing that and living that way. Scripture reminds us not to worry about anything, but I do. It feels risky to let go but when I think about who I'm giving myself to, it really shouldn't be. It's about surrender, true surrender, of every part of who I am and who I am becoming to the God who created me and is creating me.
In all of this, I'm learning that when nothing else is certain, God is.
Between time off and time "spinning my chair," I've had lots of time to reflect. I've been thinking a lot about who I want to be and how that informs what I do, a philosophical debate that is likely what started a lot of this transition in the first place. I'm finding that this, like the struggle of surrender, is something that is and will affect all of who I am: what I do for work, how I approach the work I'm doing - attitude is everything, right!? - even when it's not the "dream" job, relationships, church and community involvement...every part of me.
Earlier this week I was working on a temping assignment and was in a filing room for two days straight. The second day I got smart and took my ipod loaded with Donald Miller's "Through Painted Deserts." I listened to the whole book! One thing he talked about was moving past the "how" questions - how do we find a job, get paid, find a spouse, get a good house, etc - to the "why" questions of life. The "why" informs the "how." I know I'm there...sometimes frustratingly so. While it's true that it's the "why" questions that match both my personality and my value systems, it's incredibly frustrating when there's just not answers for all of those questions. You see, the "how" is simple...relatively speaking, at least. It's surface and usually fairly straightforward. Admittedly, the why is more elusive, more mysterious, but maybe that's exactly why some of us feel prompted to ask those questions. It's the mystery of it that ultimately makes the discovery more satisfying. Deep inside of me there's a longing to know more about "why" - why am I here? why do we do the things we do? why are these things valuable or important? why does society choose that 'this' will be right and 'this' will be wrong? why do we decide that there are certain things that children need to be "older" to learn and by what standard does that happen? why do we long for relationship? why does relationship seem so hard sometimes? why, when we're created as holistic people is it so hard to maintain life as a whole? why? why? why? See, to me, the answers to those questions, and others like them, inform the how questions we are motivated to ask. I wish I had more answers but it seems like right now I'm just left with a lot of questions...and not a lot of sleep. I guess I'd rather be asking questions than floating through life not thinking about anything. I'm learning that that's part of the way I'm made and I'm okay with that.
I've said several times lately that this is a time of healing and encouragement...I didn't realize how much I needed that until having the room to do it. Some of it comes in the reflection I've already talked about. Some of it has come from having some of the pressures of life removed, even temporarily. Some of it comes from having a few good friends around to walk the journey with. Some of it comes from identifying where the hurts came from in the first place and choosing to let them go, rather than to live as a victim to them. Some of it comes from going back to the basics of where my identity is found. It's yet another area of life where I've been amazed at how God knows what I need before I do and provides for it. One of the surprising side affects for me is learning to be gracious to myself and allowing myself space to walk this part of the journey one step at a time. Donald Miller referenced a similar idea in his book, reflecting on a hiking trip in the Grand Canyon.He referred to it as climbing out of a pit with a load on our backs, giving ourselves the freedom to lighten the load, perhaps lose it completely and to move slowly up the cliffs. Can you picture it? Trudging up the sandy cliffs, one foot in front of the other, the unnecessary baggage littering the trail behind you and the goal of the top ahead.
That's probably enough rambling for now. I'm not even sure if I care whether it makes sense or not. Somehow it's just nice to have it out.
Other highlights of the last while...Christmas and New Years of course.
- The ballet! A few great friends and I went to see the Nutcracker. I love the music, always have. It reminds me just how much music speaks. There are no words spoken through the whole ballet but through the movement and the music, a beautiful story is presented. I sound like such an artist when I say stuff like that but it's true. Enjoying it with the friends I did was simply the icing on the cake!
- Following a great Candle light service at Journey - talk about a great way to start off the holidays, Christmas was back in Stony Plain with my family. It was the first time since last Christmas that all 5 of us have been together AND it was the first Christmas in a while that we didn't have anyone in the University Hospital in Edmonton to go visit. Beautiful!
- Time with family and friends. Mom's side of the family. Dad's parents. Tischer's and Breitkreutz's. People that make me wish our province was smaller.
- Cheryl and I photographed a wedding the weekend after Christmas. Not only was it a fun thing to do, it was great to work with Cheryl. I think we need to do it more often!
- New Year's at the Blind Beggar Pub listening to the sounds of Gradenko, sipping champagne at midnight and yelling at dear friends across the table. Not my normal New Year's type outing but it definitely was entertaining...gave us something to talk about, that's for sure. A night listening to Gradenko is always good fun in my books!
- New Year's resolutions. Well, not really resolutions but goals. For 2007, I'd made it a goal to play more and, thanks to a few good friends, was able to make that a bigger part of my life...and it sure does make a difference! I plan to continue that in 2008. Then there's some specific goals about my emotional, spiritual and physical health. Some not so defined goals about dreaming...perhaps the goal is just to define that a little better, I don't know. Some goals about new skills, new experiences and new ways to give back. My plan is to make this a good year!
If you're still with me, you're a brave soul. I'll sign off now, hoping that satisfies the curiosity of anyone wondering about my whereabouts for now. I'll try not to leave it so long next time!
No comments:
Post a Comment