Friday, April 01, 2011

Push Pause

Today I had almost a whole day off. I know. Let's take a minute and insert the appropriate shock and awe here. It's good, it really is. In fact, I think I should do it more. Next step? A complete day off. Baby steps, my friends.

Anyway, here's the thing with today. I didn't know what to do with myself. I couldn't rest. I couldn't stop. I couldn't even push pause. I was antsy and almost angry at having to slow down at certain points in the day. I even disinfected the kitchen sink before I could actually feel okay about slowing down. Ridiculous, I know, but true.

Now it's the end of the day and I appreciate the moments of 'slow' that I've had today. Time to sip a coffee with Colin. Games with him and the girls. Cooking a "real" dinner on a weeknight. Laughing. Catching up on a few blogs. Speaking of catching up on blogs, I stumbled on this timely post today. Seriously, this lady could be writing to me!

I think about what letter I would write to myself, knowing what I know now. Even more importantly, I think about how to move forward from here with that insight. One of my big struggles in the whole thing right now is work-life balance. Working two jobs rarely allows me a moments freedom and so I'm in the habit of being in a hurry. More than that, though, I feel like there's something - or several somethings - that drives me, something that pushes me forward and has me looking for the next thing. It's more than just being driven. It's the part of me that I'm working to unravel and unpack right now. I feel like I'm on the verge of something, like figuring out the inner workings of my crazy compulsions might just be the ticket to getting me off this crazy hamster wheel. I know I'll always be a busy, involved person. I'm not patient and I don't sit still well. I just want to do it in a healthier manner. it's got to be possible!

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