Have you ever had something in life that you do because you know you should, because you know it’s good for you? Something that you want to want to do so you do it anyway? You do it as pure discipline, hoping that you’ll gain an appreciation for it? Perhaps eating your vegetables falls into that category. You eat them hoping that you’ll eventually aquire a taste for them. Or perhaps it’s going to the gym. You go, not because you feel like it, but because you want to feel like it, each time you go building the habit until it is such a part of your life that you can’t imagine not going.

Right now, for me, that thing is going to church. I know it’s important. I know how much it has meant to me in the past. I know all the reasons that I would tell someone else that it’s important but right now I just don’t feel like it.

One - but not the only one- of the reasons that I quit my job as children’s pastor of our church was that, in all of my 'working in a church,' I missed church. Don’t get me wrong. I loved the kids that I worked with. I loved the learning I did through preparing lessons and other teaching. I loved being able to see God at work in the lives of those I was directly involved in. I really enjoyed what I was able to give BUT I missed feeling like I was a part of a church. For months, I would get to the building before anyone else got there, go straight to the kids’ area, set up, hang out with the kids while sharing the message with them for the day and then pack up. I missed most, if not all, of the reasons that I would encourage someone else to go to church and I began to feel empty and alone. When it became clear that there was no respite for that routine, no opportunity for me to be a part of the community I was working for, I knew that I couldn’t continue that pattern and maintain any kind of spiritual health.

So here’s the kicker: since then I haven’t wanted to go to church and for a while I didn’t. I didn’t feel like it. If I’m honest, I also didn’t – and still don’t - feel like doing many of the other things that I know I should and could to foster my relationship with Jesus. It was too much. Too much hurt, too much emptiness, too much exhaustion, too much confusion, too much brokenness, too much failure, too much defeat, too much [felt] need for space and far too many other emotions that I couldn’t even begin to describe or define. It was all too much.

But where do you go when it all feels too much? Well, if you love Jesus (and sometimes if you don’t!) you go to church and so Colin and I began cautiously attending. For me it was something I wanted to want to do. I was hesitant, afraid and non-committal.  Do you remember the old TV show “Cheers,” with the theme song that rang out “sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name?” Well, I wanted the complete opposite. I wanted to go and absorb, be encouraged, hear the Word of God preached and, for the first time in a long time just go somewhere to be fed instead of pour out to others.

At first it worked that way. Colin and I have found a place where we feel we could be at home. There’s enough going on that when we’re ready, we feel we could get involved. We feel confident with what we have seen to be the mission and values of the church as they seem to be lived out and supported by the things the people are involved in. We appreciate the senior pastor and the depth to which he preaches the Word – its exciting to see how much he uses the Word in his messages and the amount of study he obviously does to truly teach. He shares the pulpit with his staff and they too seem to share his desire to truly teach and encourage through God’s word.

Lately, though, I’ve been in a dark, ugly funk and it seems like going to church shines a big beacon on my feelings of lament. I’ve described it as feeling like my faith is small but that’s not the truth of it. I don’t doubt that God is real, alive and active but I feel empty and far away and…something. The last several weeks have been very much about going because I want to want to. The last two weeks, however, have been nearly unbearable but have helped me find some words for what’s going on inside my heart and, perhaps, that’s the discipline of it doing it’s work, providing what I needed.

It began two weeks ago with the Chris Tomlin song “Your Grace is Enough,” a song that has been the anthem of many points of my faith over the last couple of years. The chorus shouts out:

            Your grace is enough,

            Your grace is enough,

            Your grace is enough for me. 

I started to sing it out with a gusto I wasn’t feeling but slowly petered out. The inward thoughts didn’t seem to be connecting with the words of my mouth. At first, the prayer was, “Your grace is enough” then became “I want your grace to be enough” and finally, “where is your grace?”

“Where is your grace and what does it look like?”

Each prayer became a little more indignant and little bit angrier than the one before.

What does it look like in my career? What does it look like when the past and the present collide? What does it look like in the day to day? What does it look like in my health? What does it look like in finances and friendships and faith?

Where is your grace?

The next song was like the first in the emotions it dug up. “Beautiful Things” by Gungor. We played it at our wedding, recognizing that God takes messy, ugly things – he steps into the mess – and makes beautiful things. Again, the prayer became a lament: “I know you can do beautiful things so can you? Would you? Please?”

The tears rolled, the emotions crashed and the questions raged but still there were no answers. The week went by with the same funk and more reasons to question.

This past weekend found us in the second week of advent, anticipating the presence of the coming King. The celebration, the smiles of everyone around, the joy, the songs all combined together until I felt claustrophobic, to the point of being physically ill.  The people around me were singing “O come, O Come Emmanuel,” hands raised in praise and thankfulness, and all I could think is “where are you?” The message was about the angel coming to Mary with the incredible pronouncement – you will be the mother of the Song of God – and her willing, grateful, humble acceptance. We talked about responding and about experiencing the presence of Jesus. All I could think is “where are you?” getting angrier and more frustrated and feeling more guilt about my anger.

But in that, I realized something. I’m angry. I’m angry at people and at situations. I’m angry at feeling like I don’t have control over so much. I’m angry that at a time in my life when I should be feeling joy and excitement, I’m feeling such a funk and frustrated that I can’t be better for my new husband (who, by the way, has been incredible through all of my searching and sorting…he’s my good gift and helps me believe, in it all, that God is good).  I’m angry at work. I’m angry at all these happy people (or at least seemingly happy people) standing around me, unaware of the emotions in me and angry that I feel like I’ve lost the happy person. I’m angry that I can’t seem to find joy. I'm angry at all of the reasons I don't feel like I'm enough. I’m angry that in it all, I don’t feel God like I have at so many times. While I know it’s irrational and not in the character of God, I feel like he’s stepped away from me…like he could make some of these things better or at least make the way forward clearer and yet hasn’t.

I’ve chosen this week – perhaps since I’ve finally been able to give words to at least a piece of how I feel – to actually enter into the lament and not be afraid of it. Somehow, even in that place, I choose to believe that God has met me, placing the stories of David on my heart. King David. A man after God’s own heart and writer of some of the most prolific poetry in history was a man who lamented. He, too, was angry with God and prayed some of the same prayers I have in the last couple weeks. “Where are you?” and “Why have you abandoned me?” are prayers that slipped off the lips of this shepherd turned king. It helps to know that the Bible has room for lament and that those “heroes” of the faith allowed the stuff of life to bring them to some dark places. It helps, too, to know that God heard them and met them there, bringing them out the other side in real, tangible ways. Somehow it helps.

I’ve thought about writing bits and pieces of this down for a while, hoping that putting it down in black and white would help me sort out what was going on and give me some freedom from it. I’ve thought about how I would describe how I feel – words like defeated and depleted have come to mind. A more apt description, I think, would be deflated. I feel deflated, like a balloon that was once blown up and full and has taken shape but has had the air let out. Know what that looks like? It doesn’t look like the balloon that was originally taken out of the package, solid and strong and full of promise. It’s soggy and gross, flat and wrinkled and, truthfully, a little sad. As I think about David and his story (and so many others who have hit this kind of spot for any number of reasons), I feel like I can add to the analogy. That original balloon, the one with all the promise and excitement, blows up into something fun. That soggy, deflated balloon? Fill it up and it will look as good as before. It will resume the shape it had before.

So today I still feel the funk and I still feel the tears threatening but at least today I know I’m not alone. I might not feel hopeful but I can choose to be hopeful. I want to want to. There’s discipline in this too, in remembering the stories of David and choosing to believe that perhaps God is not as far away as it feels, that perhaps this deflated balloon can be blown up again.

These look so delicious they make even my sweet tooth ache. I have to try them!

This and that, here and there...Part 1

I don't even know where to begin. The list of things that's kept me busy, kept me living, and kept me loving is long. That's it. A list! Where to begin with a list? In no particular order...

1. A wedding. My wedding. Better yet, our wedding. On October 15, 2011, I married my best friend. In hindsight, I wouldn't recommend that everyone plan a wedding in three months or less - because it's a TON of work - but I'm so thankful we did it that way for so many reasons. It felt a little bit like I was working two jobs still and Colin and I joked (albeit a little bit tounge in cheek) about how nice it will be now that I'm REALLY only working one job...we may actually see the benefit of some of the changes made earlier this year.  It really was a beautiful day. The weather held and we were able to do our pictures outside with the full palate of fall colors on display all around us. Friends and family from all over came to celebrate with us. Beautiful words were shared on our behalf by some pretty special friends and family and the good work that God has been doing and the amazing nature of His redemptive work was celebrated. Food was good. Laughter was good. Life together was good...and still is. That's the best part. Life together.

I've been asked a lot in the weeks following how married life is. I don't really know how to respond to that. It seems a little too early to tell, really. I feel like I'm still in this surreal phase where every day I do the "wow, I'm someone's wife. I'm your wife" and "really? You're my husband" (in a good way, really). I feel like in so many ways our wedding was a beautiful and natural next step in our relationship. Those statements aren't meant to be contradictory. Quite the opposite actually. In some ways, I think it's because it is so natural and good that it seems so surreal. That said, there are some things that I have noticed and appreciated in the few short weeks.

I love that we live together. So simple and yet not. I love knowing that even on a crazy busy day, we will start and finish together. I know I will see him and get to share at least a little piece of the day. It's one of those joys that makes me thankful that we waited to move in together because it such a gift now.

I love the commitment and the knowing. I love knowing that he chose me forever, that he promised and that he meant it...and I chose him. It takes it to a new level. Sharing in the time honored traditions of the wedding ceremony made who we are as a couple part of something bigger. Hoping together that God is the God of redemption, of love and of every good and perfect gift in such a big way honors who He is and who He is making us. We were honest about our commitment before but somehow standing before our friends and family and declaring it aloud makes it all the more real. To know that those same people will walk with us and hold us accountable to the promises we made is vital.

Writer and theologian Stanley Hauwerwas put it this way: “That the church is a more determinative community than a marriage is evidenced by the fact that it requires Christian marriage vows to be made with the church as witness. This is a reminder that we as a church rightfully will hold you to promises you made when you did not and could not fully comprehend what you were promising. How could anyone know what it means to promise life-long monogamous fidelity? From the church’s perspective the question is not whether you know what you are promising; rather, the question is whether you are the kind of person who can be held to a promise you made when you did not know what you were promising. We believe, of course, that baptism creates the condition that makes possible the presumption that we might just be such a people.”

I love hoping together. The statistics on marriage longevity in North America are not exactly inspiring. Combine that with the amount of heart break and brokenness we have witnessed personally and I would be a liar to say that there was not a little bit of "how do we know it will be different for us" fear that niggles it's way in from time to time AND YET we hope. We believe. We enter into this sacred vow praying that we will be forever, that God will give us the strength to constantly draw together instead of apart, and that we will be the kind of people who will keep the promises we made no matter what life brings. 

I love that we are still us. We work. We play. We do things together and apart. Colin still plays hockey and I still knit. That's our Tuesday night. We have friends to hang out with and chores to do. Together and individually we are us.

I love that we are still learning...and there's lots of learning to do. Is it silly that I love that I don't know everything about my husband? I love learning about foods he enjoys and TV shows he doesn't. I love watching him respond to new situations and seeing what that looks like. Living together opens whole new doors of learning and it's fun.

I love figuring out our roles and how we share life together. For those that know me well, or perhaps even those that don't, I am stubbornly independent and fairly used to doing it "all" myself. If I don't know how to do something, I'll figure it out. If there aren't enough hours in the day, I'll just make them up and keep going until I get everything done. Work two jobs? No problem (okay, problem but who's going to admit it!?). In many ways, Colin has had to be much the same. It is a huge gift (and, admittedly, a challenge...perhaps you could even say a shock to the system but I'll choose to say adjustment) to be able to share. We can divide and conquer. Certain things get done and it's NOT because I did them. We can serve each other in these big and small ways. While I know we have a lot of learning to go on this one and I recognize that it will likely change with the seasons of our lives, I am thankful to be able to count on Colin, to trust him and to rest in his strength.

So, for all those who are wondering how married life is, in short, it's good. After 3 1/2 weeks, it's great.


2. Honeymooning.


We were entirely blessed to be able to take two whole uninterrupted weeks away together in Cancun immediately after our wedding.

I am thankful for two weeks. We had time to deal with crappy weather - read hurricane heading our way but downgraded to tropical storm hours before it hit, exhaustion and getting sick and still have a fantastic time.


I am thankful for uninterrupted. We have not had that opportunity before in our relationship. It was awesome.


I am thankful for Cancun. SO beautiful. SO much to see and do. We could go back and still find stuff we didn't have time to do.


I am thankful for immediately after. I know people who have waited months [or years] following their wedding to take their honeymoon. It was a gift to do it right away. We needed it!

I am thankful for my honey.

 Look at how blue the water is! Love the beaches. Love the kisses on the beaches. 

 The most unreal skies. The clouds were incredible, likely thanks to the "tropical storm."

 Sunrise!

 And that's why I married him! 

 The ruins of Tulum. 

 Swimming with the fishes.

 Biggest, coolest shells became art...home for our rings. 

 Weeeeee....

 Incredible caves, incredible memories. 

Chichen Itza, one of the new seven wonders of the world. Well worth the drive.

 The sunsets were outstanding! 

And there's more, plenty more, to put on the list of what's been keeping me busy. We'll call this part one. Maybe tomorrow I'll share some more but, for now, it's time for me to go to bed! 

I think this recipe sounds DELISH! Now to find an excuse to try it!

Okay, so this one doesn't sound so bad either. And I could probably be convinced to give this one a try.

Now I'm hungry. Bed time snack it is.

There will come a day in the not so distant future in which I will write about church and about longing for church and about how not being a part of any particular church has [again] grown my thoughts and beliefs about church. In the meantime, this post about women's ministry resonated deeply with me. I love the line about wanting a bible study that doesn't have flowers on the front cover. Oh, and the one about being honest and authentic. Oh, and the line about wanting to move past the emotional, past the surface and into the deep. Wouldn't it be lovely?

I love this post from Emerging Mommy, a letter to women's ministry. It sounds familiar, echoing some of the sentiments in my heart when I wrote this post I wrote a while back although admittedly a little more eloquently spoken and well thought out.

May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be.

May today there be peace within.

May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith.

May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you.

May you be content knowing you are a child of God.

Let this presence settle into your bones, and 

allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love.

It is there for each and every one of you.

~ St. Teresa of Avila

I miss writing. I have so many crazy thoughts running through my head that I need to sort out and spit out and yet there just doesn't seem to be any time. What with planning a wedding, working, trying to work out and stuff around the house (basement building and the day to day) there just doesn't seem to be enough hours in the day...but I will be back...soon...I need to be...soon.

Laughter is the best medicine

I've written a few times now of the changes that are shaping my life right now. Add that to the normal stressers of life and, admittedly, life feels somewhat over full. Not the "I've eaten well and am breathing a satisfied sigh of contentment" (although there are definite moments of that) but the "I'm handling all that I can, my hands are full, please don't ask me to juggle any more kind of full." I've been making a conscious effort to find fun, to stop, to laugh because in those things, in the good things, there is renewal and strength to handle the fullness of life. It made me smile to read this in my morning's reading today:

From Sacred Voices: Essential Women's Wisdom Through the Ages

"A Time to Laugh"
1. Laugh when people tell a joke. Otherwise you might make them feel bad.
2. Laugh when you look into a mirror. Otherwise you might feel bad.
3. Laugh when you make a mistake. If you don't, you're liable to forget how ultimately unimportant the whole thing really is, whatever it is.
4. Laugh with small children… They laugh at mashed bananas on their faces, mud in their hair, a dog nuzzling their ears, the sight of their bottoms as bare as silk. It renews your perspective. Clearly nothing is as bad as it could be.
5. Laugh at situations that are out of your control. When the best man comes to the altar without the wedding ring, laugh. When the dog jumps through the window screen at the dinner guests on your doorstep, sit down and laugh a while.
6. When you find yourself in public in mismatched shoes, laugh -- as loudly as you can. Why collapse in mortal agony? There's nothing you can do to change things right now. Besides, it is funny. Ask me; I've done it.
7. Laugh at anything pompous. At anything that needs to puff its way through life in robes and titles… Will Rogers laughed at all the public institutions of life. For instance, "You can't say civilization isn't advancing," he wrote. "In every war they kill you in a new way."
8. Finally, laugh when all your carefully laid plans get changed; when the plane is late and the restaurant is closed and the last day's screening of the movie of the year was yesterday. You're free now to do something else, to be spontaneous… to take a piece of life and treat it with outrageous abandon.

-- Sister Joan Chittister, originally published in her book, There is a Season

Now to put them into practice. 

New Beginnings...

Welcome baby Zoe Noelle Baker. Glad you're here safe and sound, wee one. We look forward to getting to know you and to watching you grow into a beautiful woman of God's grace!

Congrats to my cousin, Crystal, and her husband, Scott. As was shared at the wedding, may this day be the day you look back on and say it was the day you loved each other the least.

This one is added simply because it was too hard to resist! The bride and groom are blessed with this little monkey, their son, Brayden. What a ham!

In all my looking forward and in all my worrying, it's remembering this that gives me a sigh of relief and a moment's peace:

We can, each of us, only call the present time our own…
Our Lord tells us to pray for today, and so he prevents us
from tormenting ourselves about tomorrow.
It is as if [God] were to say to say: “[It is I] who gives you this day [and]
will also give you what you need for this day.
[It is I] who makes the sun to rise.
[It is I] who scatters the darkness of night and
reveals to you the rays of the sun.

~ Gregory of Nyssa, on the Lord’s Prayer

He said, She said

A while back I posted about some of the change in my life. The truth is, that change abounds. Change in my job, in church, in community, in my home and in my heart.

In my last post, I shared about the change in my job, leaving my position at the church. I knew that would bring about other changes but I don't know if, at the time, I realized the full extent of what that would mean. For many reasons, it means that it is time to find a new church community to call home...enter "church shopping" season, otherwise known as "church hopping" or, even better yet, "enjoying the summer." On the positive side of things, I realize I have been completely spoiled over the years with preachers/teachers who speak the word of God with passion and truth in a way that digs deep into my heart and leads me into deeper relationship with the creator of the universe. I have been privileged to worship in song with worship leaders who understand that their leadership is not about the show or about the performance but about leading people towards the Father and allowing the community to join together in a chorus of unburdened, unhindered voices. There have been times where the people I worshiped with have felt like family and I've had a glimpse into what it must have been like for the church of Acts as they lived together in unity. These things are good to remember and I hold them dear.

The tough side of things is moving forward into a new church home. The consumer in me has certain things that I'm looking for. The part of me that sees the good of what has been wants to find that again. The "human" in me needs the accountability of being known and of being missed. It's far too easy to take a day off, to stay in bed, to go to the beach, to cut the grass, to enjoy coffee and a good book, to have brunch, to ride bikes and to simply just be. The side of me that is hurting - and perhaps a bit cynical - wants to stay away and not risk it at all. But I love the church. I believe in the power of being a part of a community of faith. If I'm being honest, I long for it and know that I need it. I know, deep in my spirit, that I am a healthier person when I give and receive in a community of faith and, right now, I know that I need that in a significant way. I would love to say that I'm hungry but I feel as though it's gone past that point...I want to be hungry. I know I should be hungry and yet it feels like so long since I've heard the whisper of His voice or felt the sweet touch of His spirit. I feel long past hungry. I have no real comparison to starvation and yet I wonder if this is what it's like, to eventually get to a point where the pangs of hunger no longer really dig in, knowing you need food but not really feeling the desire for it. And so there is a change in me and in my heart, a change in community to come as I look forward to finding a home.

Change in community has meant change in relationship. The freedom from the mantle of "pastor" has, in some ways, brought freedom to some relationships and I've found that they have become truer and deeper. Not that I felt dishonest before but I've found a freedom to be even more me. Scary, I know! Other relationships have felt the strain of distance and natural separation. When a weekly meeting is not scheduled, relationships change.

Through it all, one relationship has been a gift. If you've been reading my blog for a while, you've followed me through a journey of being a single woman in the midst of a married world, figuring out what it means to follow Jesus as a single woman in the church (and the world) and struggling with wanting to share my life with someone, to have someone to partner with. God, it seems, heard me in that too and has proven faithful in this area as well.

I've heard it said often (and most of the time to my frustration) that it is when you least expect it, when you quit looking, when you're "satisfied being single" (whatever that really means), that it is then that you find that special someone. As much as I've always hated those sentiments, they have proven true for me.

I have found my special someone.

Colin and I have been going to the same church together for years, since Journey began. From a distance, we have been in community together and observed the struggles and joys of each other's lives. In more recent years, Colin has served as one of my children's ministry volunteers, again, giving us the opportunity to see each other in action. This was no chase. It was without expectation. It was community. It was serving. It was being. And it was good.

But it got better.

There came a point when interest was sparked and we were intrigued. Time was spent in closer community as we both, without the knowledge of the other, wondered if this could be for real. It felt complicated and messy and surprising and right and, eventually, came to the point where one of us had to say something or explode. He caved first and I'm thankful that he had the courage to take a risk and share with me what was on his heart. I'm even more thankful that he has continued ever since.

He makes me laugh without reservation and holds me when I cry. He is the dad to two beautiful girls and I love what his being a dad shows me about him and his character. I love the way he loves his girls. He loves Jesus and wants to follow him, even when it's hard and when the way to do that doesn't seem clear. He stands up for what is right and has values that actually mean something to him. Chivalry is not dead with him and I am thankful that his dad taught him to open doors, to lift heavy things and to treat women with respect (not kid gloves but real respect).  He loves to mountain bike. The kind of downhill biking that requires armor and airtime. I love that it turns him into a little kid and that he pursues what he loves with passion and exuberance. I love too, that he works hard and plays hard. I have much to learn from him. He encourages me, supports me and believes in me and is willing to be open and vulnerable enough with me to allow me to do the same for him. He has lived through much, much that I wish I could take away, and I see how it has shaped the way he looks at the world and I am proud of him. We watch the same type of movies and TV shows, taking time to curl up and enjoy them together. He's a child of the 80's, loves "hair nation" on satellite and doesn't mind that I tease him about it. He knows the value of a good cup of coffee and knows the truth - Starbucks IS better than Tim Horton's (there really is no question, is there?!). He is a true friend and as loyal as the day is long. His circle of friends isn't huge but the ones that are there are dear, loved deep and I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that he would do anything for them and they for him. He is active and thinks about the ways to be a good steward of the body God has given him - and it shows (that's right, I think he's hot) - and helps me to do the same when I don't feel motivated. We can motivate each other in this and in so many other things. He listens to me rant and rants back. He's okay to just "be" and I love that I am okay to just "be" with him. With him it feels like home. He knows I'm feisty and doesn't see that as a weakness. He dreams about the future with me and together we share hopes, dreams and crazy schemes.

I feel as though God has shown me again the truth of His word. In James 1:17, it says that "every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows."

He chooses me and I choose him and in that I know I have a gift.

On July 17, he said that he would choose me forever and asked me to do the same. On a bridge in the mountains on a mountain biking trail, this girl made a choice. She said yes.

 And so life continues to change for me. On October 15, 2011, we will say our "I do's" and begin a new chapter in our life together. There will be a new last name, new family dynamics to explore, new living arrangements (we're doing major construction in the basement of my place so we can all live here. All trades people are welcome!), and new roles to figure out.

And so, you see, there is much new, much change in my life.  A dear friend of mine noted that there is really nothing left to change in my life. Some days that's intimidating - counselor friends are likely watching me for signs of anxiety and, on certain days, would most definitely find them. I am overwhelmed by the mixed emotions of it all a lot of the time. I am processing much as each stage of  change teaches me more about myself and the world around me, requiring much. Admittedly, it seems easier when I compartmentalize and focus on one aspect at a time and yet, with so much at once, it seems impossible to separate one piece from another.

This is me, it is us, and, when all is said and done, it is good. I am required to trust in ways that I have not had to trust in a long time, if ever. I am forced to admit that I am not in control. Ug. I am constantly aware of new levels of vulnerability in me and it is both frightening and freeing all at once. I try to remind myself, on the days where it feels like there is SO much to do, that God's timing is perfect and that He doesn't give us more than we can handle by His strength. Most of all, I anticipate. I look forward to what is to come and to experiencing the fullness of what God has in store for us as we follow Him.

I'm a thinker. Some might say I'm an over thinker but they'd be wrong. Of course. I evaluate. I weigh out the options, the pros and cons, and make decisions based on the information. I wish I could say that I was always spontaneous but the truth is that that's not the way I was made. Sometimes but not always. It's true, too, that sometimes, even after doing the heavy lifting of decision making in advance, I still have a bit of "buyer's remorse," even if I'm not buying anything. "Did I do the right thing?" "But what about...?" "What if...?" Sometimes but not always.

And then life changes. For some reason, when I make changes in my life (or maybe one could say when change enters my life!), I make them in bundles. A couple of years ago, I managed to change jobs - a change that sent a major tremor through my life, change churches, moved and found a new roommate. It was almost as if one change became the earthquake, followed by a number of little after shocks. I'm still not sure which one was the actual catalyst, the original quake. The decisions were difficult but not impossible and, in the end, the spot that I arrived in was far better than the place I began in. It seems as though there are seasons of change.

I've been thinking a bit about the biblical nature of that lately. Moving away from something does not make it any less. Solomon talks about there being a time for everything:

There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under heaven:

a time to be born and a time to die, 

a time to plan and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,

a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to weep and a time to laugh, 

a time to mourn and a time to dance, 

a time to scatter stones and a time to gathr them, 

a time to embrace and a time to refrain, 

a time to search and a time to give up, 

a time to keep and a time to throw away, 

a time to tear and a time to mend, 

a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time to hate, 

a time for war and a time for peace. 

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

There is a time for everything, a time for change.

It seems as though I'm entering into one of those seasons again and this time there's no buyer's remorse. I've thought it through and it sits well in my heart. While the process was not peaceful, I am at peace.

Several years ago - close to six years, I think - I became the part of a church plant. The vision and passion of the planting team, and therefore of the church, resonated deeply with what I felt God speaking into my heart about church and ministry and being kingdom people and so I made that my home. Fast forward a bit. The children's minister was having a baby. It was exciting and we celebrated together. Someone needed to cover her mat leave. After much wrestling, I applied for the job and was hired. It was good. I knew the remaining staff and felt like I fit in well. We worked as a team. We prayed together and thought about the things of His Kingdom together, looking for ways we could be a part of His kingdom work.

There was something about it that was healing. For someone who had almost decided to not enter into ministry again (ever) to be back in an environment where contributions were accepted and expected, team work was the norm and ministry was fun was a gift.

And then things changed. A crisis, a scandal, hit with the magnitude of something known only by the likes of Jerry Springer and the people he hangs out with. I'm not exaggerating. Our little staff team was descimated, hearts were broken and the suggestion was made by those on the outside that we should shut the doors. We didn't. Perhaps we should of but it seemed so unimaginable.

But we survivied. Some would even say that in the time following, we thrived. We worked together. We trusted God and sought his leading. We leaned on each other when we cried and when we laughed, oh did we laugh.

And yet, to me, it seems like somehow that changed. too. Perhaps it was as the intense pain of crisis eased, we didn't need to lean on God or each other in the same way. Perhaps the sin of what had been had infected too deeply. Perhaps we're just all selfish and wrong.  Perhaps it's just change...but change it indeed is.

Over the last several years, people have left, community has changed, money has been an issue, vision has changed, ministry philosophy has morphed and my place, my role, has been dismembered. The people are still wonderful. They are family. They are love. But the organization of it, the structure surrounding them, has changed.

And so I began to evaluate. Is this the place for me? Can I be free to be me in this role, this leadership context? Am I being a good steward of the gifts that God has given me if I continue? Can I be an agent of positive change in this environment? Do I belong? Am I helping? Is this healthy for me?

Hard questions. Painful questions brought on by a painful situation and made more difficult by my deep level of investment and relationship.

Change often comes from those difficult questions. I have just recently resigned from my position on staff at Journey Church. I can't begin to describe how difficult the final decision became or the process that brought me there. All I can say is that I'm at peace...now. I feel a freedom and a hope that I have not felt for a long time.

There, I said it. I left the church and I feel hopeful.

I know the cynics out there would say that it's about time, that it's another example of "the church" failing but I don't see it that way. I see it as a time of seasons, as a time for everything. There was a time when being a part of Journey and serving His kingdom in this way with this group of people was very good. This time, this season of my life, is for something else and I'm finally starting to look forward to it. Even that's taken time but I believe God is a god who knows that and uses that time for good things if we choose to let him.

I still love the people there and pray that God will continue to grow them into people after His own heart, using them to fulfill His purposes and plan here on earth. I pray that they will love God and others deeply and with abandon, that the light of Jesus will radiate from them. I am thankful for moments along the way to catch up with them in different occasions and pray that the relationships forged through the many experiences we've all shared can continue.

But I feel hopeful.

Truthfully, I also feel a little bit of anticipation. Have you ever known a storm was coming? A glorious, powerful, majestic thunderstorm? You could somehow feel it on the air and somehow, you just knew that it was coming? That's a little bit how I feel.  I'm curious to find what else is in store. Stay tuned.

Current Read

The Lost Symbol, Dan Brown

I was just talking to a friend over the weekend about how much I want to experiment with different types of homemade popsicles this summer - so many good flavors made of so many good things! Today, I found these molds. How fun are they!? Now to actually find them in store to purchase!

Then, while I'm at it, does anyone out there have any family favorite recipes for delicious Popsicles or the like that they'd be willing to share!?

My kind of girl...love this post...minus all the Bruin talk.

Coffee, coffee, coffee...

For all my barista friends out there (and anyone else who's ever worked customer service). How many times have you wanted to say or do something like this!?

Weekend Wanderings

This is shaping up to be a full weekend. Colin and I started it off early with a trip to one of my favorite Calgary events, the Calgary Herald Book Sale. It runs this weekend and next and always proves to be full of fun (and cheap) finds. Yes, this is one of the reasons that we know I'm a bit of a nerd.

Here's a few of my treasures. I made a list this year and tried to stick to it although couldn't resist diverging from it a bit when I found the first of the James Owen Geographica series (If you've been bothering to pay attention to what I've been reading at all, you've seen a few of them jump in there. This is the only one I didn't have and it's in perfect condition! Yay!).

If you'll indulge me for a sappy moment, I'm going to share with you my biggest treasure of the day...finding Colin proved to be a GREAT book hunting partner. I'll be honest, it helped that he had some definite titles in mind and we walked away satisfied and successful where that was concerned too. Oh, and he's cute too. Check out the fun:

Did I mention that the enjoyment factor was heightened by the fact that we pretty much read from the same genres: fantasty and crime/thriller?

There may be another trip in the plans for us. We'll see. If you want to check it out, it's at the Crossroads Farmer's Market in Ogden and runs all this weekend and all next weekend, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I'm not sure the hours but I think it opens at 10.

Tomorrow, my friend, Jesse, is getting married and I'm going to be a part of her wedding party. She's super excited - as she should be - and I'm thankful that God has blessed her with a man to match her so well. I had the privilege of taking their engagement photos. Here's a sneak peak at the happy couple...

I'm sure, in and around all that, there will be coffees to sip, bike rides to roll along with, hockey games to watch (I know it's wrapped up in your world but in pvr land, it has yet to happen...shhh...don't ruin the surprise!), bbq's to sizzle, photos to take and fun to be had....all with three of my favorite people!

What are you up to this weekend?

Current Read

The Gilded Chain, Dave Duncan

This is the first of a trilogy recommended by a friend of mine. Duncan is supposed to be one of the father's of fantasy fiction. So far so good.

I really enjoy this blogger. Her name is Sarah and she's honest. She talks about life as a woman, wife, mother, questioner, church member and follower of Jesus in a way that resonates with me. She's hopeful and real, authentic and true to life. She doesn't sugar coat things and I like that. The post I read today is about parenting, particularly about the discipline (or practice) of choosing the words we use with our kids and with ourselves. It's something I've thought about a lot: the words I choose to use in conversation, about others and about myself.  Words are important. They have the power to build up and destroy. When aligned with our actions, they can accomplish much. I think about the things that have been spoken into my life and what I want to speak into the lives of others. I think about the little people in my care and am even more aware of the influence and affect of the words I choose to direct their way and use in their presence. I am humbled to think about the potential and the responsibility I have in that and want to steward it well.

Final picks

It's come down to this. One final best of seven series will decide once and for all who the best of the NHL is for the 2010-2011 season. Here it goes: Boston vs. Vancouver.

Admittedly, I have a little bit of a bias here. Colin is a BIG Vancouver fan and has been hoping his team would be here, well, for 40 years, but especially since the beginning of the season. They've always been my "second" favorite team so, with Edmonton not playing, it's been a natural for me to cheer the Nucks along the way. That said, let's talk get down to the nitty gritty of this series.

That's what it will be: gritty. Both of these teams like to play the body and they have the size to put their money where their mouth is (has anyone seen how huge Chara is!?). Considering that's the way that both teams play, it's surprising to see that their line ups are relatively healthy for this point in the season. Boston is dressing everyone, by the looks of things, and Vancouver, while short a few defensemen, isn't too far behind...far better than the carnage these wrecking ball teams have left in their wake as they trudged towards Lord Stanley's cup.

If history counts for anything, Boston won the only game the two teams played against each other this season. In fact, they've won the majority of the games these teams have played against each other in the last several seasons. We'll see if that matters.

Both teams are Cup-hungry. Boston has not seen the cup in years. Many, many long years. The Nucks have never won the cup.

Both teams have great goalies with nearly identical goals against and save percentages for the playoffs. Both have proved to be able to be game changers and have had opportunity to carry their teams. That said, Luongo is coming off of an outstanding game 5 performance, facing a whopping 56 shots in double OT, to defeat the sharks where Thomas seemed a little bit shaky as the Bruins battled to finish off Tampa.

Let's talk d-men. Chara is a beast and has earned his place in the finals. The rest of Boston's defensive core are no slouches either. That said, with guys like Bieksa working to earn their multi-dollar sign salaries with flare, it could be said that Vancouver's defense is by far the deepest in the league. They can expect production from every guy and have given at least nine players play-off ice time. Good thing considering the few injuries plaguing the Nucks are behind the blue line.

Now let's check out front. Stats from the forwards are nothing to frown at for either team but, again, I like the depth of Vancouver. Henrik, Daniel and Kesler compared to Horton and Lucic. Comparing fourth lines for the two teams is, in my mind, a little like comparing apples and oranges. It will be especially exciting to see what happens to the energy on the ice if, as anticipated, Manny Malhotra does, in fact, find his way to the ice for the playoffs.

The big difference between these two teams though is special teams. Like I've said about Boston before, they're just missing something when it comes to special teams - power play stats and penalty kill are lacking. That has the potential to be deadly playing against Vancouver, who's power play had it's way with Nashville and the Sharks. This will be especially important if Vancouver manages to keep their guys out of the box and off the ice, giving the Sedins a chance to play and utilize the team's strength as a 5 on 5 team.

So here goes nothing: Vancouver in 6 for the Cup.

Makes Me Chuckle

I love these guys and they always make me laugh. I can relate...mostly...except I usually want less room than they give me. More coffee, please. Perhaps that's a good enough reason for a crusade!

Who am I?

I read this blog today and it made me sad. Sad because I get it. Sad because the grass isn't greener on the other side of the fence either.

See, I've got this line that often use in jest. I say "I'm really not a normal girl" or "I'm just not a girly girl" and I know what it means. I love hockey and could probably chat stats with the best of them...current ones, not the old ones. I argue that the CFL is better than the NFL and mean it. I am learning to love mountain biking. I enjoy sports, both playing and watching.  My favorite movies include pirates, bank robbers, gladiators, or robots and, ideally, something being blown up. I like to get dirty, whether it's in my yard or exploring the greater outdoors. Sometimes, I even feel like I think like a guy in terms of work...because a woman who finds value in working is obviously a feminist, right? I'm a leader, not a follower. I have opinions. Strong ones. Lots of them. I enjoy building stuff and am okay to lift stuff. I've changed the brakes in my car before, know how to change the oil and could swap tires if I had a flat (but don't worry, I'd still take advantage of someone else offering to do it for me!).

I don't like pink or dramatic movies that make me cry. Rom coms are actually quite unnecessary, if you ask me. I don't go shopping for fun or know how to put together a great outfit. I don't feel like I have a "style" but, by virtue of picking out a certain style of clothes, I guess I probably do, albeit, maybe a bad one. Who would know? Certainly not me. I own maybe 6 pairs of shoes and I'm sure two of them are flip flops. Makeup and hair products confuse me and stress me out. Most days I don't wear make up. Accessories? What are those? Most crafting makes me shudder. Girls' nights freak me out a little bit. What on earth do I have to offer in those situations?! I prefer a good steak or juicy burger to salads and vegetables any day although I am very conscious of nutrition and want to live a healthy life. I use the public washroom but I go by myself. Really, it makes me uncomfortable to go with other people. I can do it myself, thank you. Decorating and shopping are done out of necessity, not just for fun. Rarely are they a social activity.

And here's the kicker. The one that's making me feel separated and far apart from what a "real" woman should be, at least lately in the church: I'm not a wife or mom nor can I have conversations about all things concerning being a wife and mother. I simply become a bystander in conversations about diapers and school choices, cribs or growth patterns, discipline strategies, potty training and life with husbands. It's especially fun when observing those conversations, I find people feeling sorry for me or trying to explain away the fact that I'm not someone's mom or someone's wife as if to make up for my "loss" or "lack." Don't get me wrong, I can appreciate that these are a significant part of the lives of many people around me. It's just not a part of mine and, when that's the primary conversations of what feels like all the females around me, I can't help but feel outside and, well, different.If that is what defines most of the women around me, what does that mean for me?

I'm convinced that while wife and mother are brilliant titles - ones I hope to share one day - I don't believe that they are synonymous with female. They are not the definition of feminine. Particularly from the biblical perspective in which we are told that men and women are both created in God's image, it seems to me that there's more to it than that, something more all-encompassing and (dare I say it without someone accusing me of being bitter) more complete. The woman in Proverbs 31, for example, seems to be different too and that makes me feel a little better but still, I find myself feeling outside and different, somehow lacking, when I'm with the women I know.

So here are some of my questions...

What does it mean to be feminine? Not the extreme feminist version or the conservative traditional picture but the true, biblical heart of womanhood.

What does it mean, as a woman, to be created in and bearers of God's image?


How, as a church, do we honor the full image of God as shown in the women in our midst?


How do we respect, revel in, thrive among and build community when we know that we are all bearing God's image differently? 

Who am I? 

I am a woman, made in God's image, who is trying to follow Jesus.

The Lord's Prayer

The Lord's prayer has played a special part in my life for a while now. Reading this made it fresh again:

Our Father, who art in heaven

I begin with an endearing term of relationship, "Father." Remind me today that you live and reign, not in heaven only but all around me and in my life. Make me aware of your active presence all day, in all my undertakings and in the people I meet.

Hallowed be your name

How can I recognize you - in the splendor of nature, in the odd mix of people I meet, in the still voice that calls me to be more like you? May I "hallow" what lies before me, by consciously referring it to you, and also honor your perfection, your holiness, by seeking to become more like you.

Your kingdom come

Yes, and allow me to be an agent of that kingdom by bringing peace to the anxious, grace to the needy, and your love to all whom I touch. May people believe in your reign of goodness because of how I live today.

Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven

I see that will most clearly in Jesus, who healed the sick and comforted the grieving, who lifted up the downtrodden, who stood always for life and not death, for hope and not despair, for freedom and not bondage. He lived out heaven's will on earth. Help me be like Jesus.

Give us today our daily bread

We have no guarantee of a day beyond this one. May I trust you for what I need today, nourishment for both body and soul, and not worry about future needs and wants. May I also be ever responsive to those who lack bread today.

Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors

Remind me of my true state, as a debtor who can never buy my way into your favor. Thank God, I do not have to. Grant me the same attitude of forgiving grace toward those who owe me, and who have wronged me, that you show toward me.

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one

Let me not slide mindlessly toward evil today. Make me alert to its temptations and strong to resist it, with neither fear nor regret.

from Prayer, Philip Yancey, page 171.

Round 3

The last round is a lot of what I expected...except for the sweeps...and Tampa Bay...and...well, that's the Stanley Cup playoffs!

So here we are at the semi-finals. We're down to the four *best* teams in the NHL, four formidable goalies and four cities hungry to see their team hoist the most coveted trophy in hockey. So what does round three hold? Here's my picks:

Sharks (2) vs Canucks (1)
Here are two teams that have battled hard to get where they are. San Jose is tired. Did you see them sucking wind in game 7? Niemi has been great and has had the full support of his defense, guys putting up some of the best defensive stats in the playoffs. Guys like Thorton have held them all together. Having fought tooth and nail to hold on to round 2 and squeaking into round 3, they're bound to have had their spirits buoyed. Will it be enough to get them past the exhaustion of the battle they just fought to get here?  Vancouver has had a bit more of a break and a big boost thanks to the play of resident monster, Ryan Kesler.  While the hockey world continues to discuss what they're calling the absence of the Sedin brothers, it might be worth reminding that while they have not been the scoring duo they were in the regular season, they are still certainly play makers and worthy of their first line position.  While Nashville's play was styled well to shut them down, it remains to be seen if the Sharks will be able to do the same. Offensively and defensively, the Nucks remains strong and healthy. All that to say, I'm going with the Canucks in 6.

Tampa Bay (5) vs Boston (3)
Who would have thought that these two teams would have come through the second round the way they did? Roloson continues to be lucky, if not solid, between the pipes. Thomas is superb. Have I mentioned that I just like that guy? He really caught my attention in the all star skills competition. The guy smiles all the time. He has fun and tries to make sure that everyone else on the ice is having fun too, regardless of what team they play on. So there it is, battle of the goalies. Tampa Bay has this crazy drive to win. Where did they come from anyway? Boston is much more calm, cool and collected. The things that they were weaker at, special teams for example, in round one, they pulled together in round two. These are two teams that want to win. I'm going to pick Boston in 7.

So there you have it. I'm calling for a Vancouver vs Boston Stanley Cup final.

Why the men don't hang in kids' ministry...

I'm really lucky to have a couple great guys who are leaders in the kids' program of our church. They provide a great perspective, much strength and fantastic role models for the kids, especially the boys, to follow. I get it. We're blessed. I love having guys working with our kids but I know that it's often a hard sell. For so many reasons, children's ministry is primarily the place where women serve, our church included. A family ministry guy that I read, posted a video on his blog that might explain this phenomena a bit. Thought I'd let you all think through the reasons too.

Current Read

The Time Traveler's Wife, Audrey Niffenegger

I think it's fun to have a place to look back and see what I've been reading when but I realized that in my "break" from consistently blogging, I missed a whole bunch of my reads. Here's some of the titles I dug into but missed posting over the last year or so:

The Song of Albion Trilogy, Stephen Lawhead
The Hood Trilogy, Stephen Lawhead
The Last Templar, Khoury
Tale of Despereaux, Kate DiCamillo and Timothy Basil Ering
Search for the Red Dragon, James A. Owen
Shaman's Crossing, Robin Hobb
Gifted to Lead, Nancy Beach
Wings, Terry Pratchett
Sepulchre, Kate Mosse
M is for Magic, Neil Gaiman
Crazy Love, Francis Chan
Snow Flower and the Secret Fan, Lisa See


This is one that I'm hoping to read. Half the Church. Has anyone read it yet? Any recommendations? I read this one here that was a start. I'd also love to have someone to read it with...

Current Read

Visionary Parenting: Creating a God Sized Vision for Your Family; Rob Rienow

Let the creative juices flow

I love this image. I stole it from this blog this evening and am convinced I'm going to print it to put up in my office. I will find a place. I love the color, the text and, most of all, the statement it makes. To live a creative life, we must lose our fear of being wrong.

Here's something I know about me - and about you: there's a creative element to the way God made me.  Do you know how I know this? Because God is creative (hang out at the zoo and you'll see what I mean. I can't help but giggle when I see some of the critters he's made) and He has made you and I in his image. You could say that creativity is in our DNA. Some of us use it in different ways and at different levels but it's there nonetheless.

I like to write. I cook and bake and have decided that, really, nothing in a recipe is ever truly set in stone. Experiment. You just never know what you'll come up with. My camera and I are friends. I've taken up knitting (Yes, knitting. One day I'll share that story with you all). I love to dream big, making big plans, and I love it when a plan comes together. Making music makes me happy. I enjoy the great outdoors and appreciate God's creative work in it all. In the summer, you'll find me in my garden planting, pruning and designing my garden. I am most alive when I'm creating.

 

A shot I took this past week on a whim. Standing on a chair, twisting at odd angles and playing with light. Pleased with what happened. 

A culinary experiment. Homemade whole wheat pizza crust topped with red peppers, chicken, peas  basil pesto and sliced brie. I felt like Martha. Oh, and it tasted good. Even better.

All of those things, those avenues I choose, I have failed at. There's been pictures deleted, documents erased, dead plants and pots of soup that we did not eat. There were things that I've learned along the way because of those unsuccessful "tries." In the middle of that, though, there have been some gloriously freeing and satisfying creative moments. The kind where it just comes together and it works. I love the exhilaration of those moments and wonder if that isn't some of what God felt when he looked down on what he'd made each day and said "it was good."

Had I not been 'okay' with having some misses, I never would have had those moments and yet I wonder how much I've missed on other occasions because I've allowed the fear to come in. Fear of what others might think. Fear of failure. Fear of embarassement. Fear of wasted resources. Oh, and the list could go on, I'm sure. I wonder how much more productive I could be at work if I allowed my creative juices to truly flow and imagine the possibilities. I wonder how my life would be different if I let go of fear and allowed myself to truly dream about what God has in store and creatively imagine the possibilities. I wonder what else I would find myself smack in the middle of. I wonder.

When I saw this pic on this blog today, I knew I had to have one! Birthday coming up...

"When you understand that leadership is influence instead of position, it changes everything. You don't strive to be a leader; you strive to add value to people, and they'll let you be the leader." John Maxwell

I can't help but think about leadership today as our country awaits the final results on yet another national election. Wouldn't it be interesting if, in our political landscape, we could trust that the leaders were truly striving to add value to the lives of people instead of striving for the position of power and the accompanying influence (read ability to better themselves and their current situation)? One of the keys to a successful democratic system is that the leaders represent the people and represent them well. As I watch the polls, I can't help but hope that this could be a possibility.

Thinking about leadership always gets me thinking about the church and about how we lead there - how I lead and how I am led. I think of the way I interact with people in my day to day, in a variety of roles and in a variety of types of leadership. I pray that in my leadership the truth of Maxwell's words are evident; that I live a life of leadership in which I strive to and am able to add value to the people I encounter.

"There is something about the age-old tradition of gathering around the table to share a meal that is good for body, mind, and soul. You can easily prepare great tasting food at home and spark deeper family connection at mealtime. This tasty, easy, and healthy approach is accessible to the novice and inspiring to the culinary guru. Reinvent a healthier you in the simple art of momalicious cooking."

I read this quote earlier today and it got me thinking, how many families out there still sit around the table and make meal time a time to share. Do you? 

Current Read

The Dragon's Apprentice, James A. Owen

And a few that I just finished:
The Shadow Dragons, James A. Owen
Leading On Empty, Wayne Cordeiro
Real Life Discipleship: Building Churches that Make Disciples, Jim Putman (a work in progress)

For someone who really isn't caught up in this whole royal wedding thing, I'm sure finding lots to enjoy in it all. Like this blog post. It made me chuckle.